Watching political figures and elected officials give a speech claiming they are different than the scum sucker who preceded them is like taking a shit after a hard night of drinking tequila and blacking out in the bathroom of seedy bar that lies just off the beaten path. Only to wake up with a group of hairy Neanderthal looking guys who look like they are in the world’s first all Freddy Mercury tribute band. The pain that throbs inside the opening of your asshole would be comparable to all of these guys punching you right in the fucking ass with those little fingerless gloves those types wear that have the small metal studs on them. Yes people, this is our government at work today. Every day we wake up from being ass punched by the government, only to get out of bed and go do it all over again like some sick masochist who can’t wait to get his nuts stomped on by Mistress Stink Bang.

But enough of my political ramblings, let’s get onto the good shit.

Have you ever fucked a girl in the ass? If you have not I can assure you it is some of the most dangerous territory ever discovered and explored by man. Louis and Clark were not even brave enough to traverse this musty jungle of naughtiness. I was 26 when I first fucked a girl in the ass, and let me assure you it was definitely the last. I was in the U.S. Navy at the time and both this girl and I were high as fuck on ecstasy. She started getting a little frisky so naturally, being the gentleman that I am, I suggested that we go back to my place where we can be more comfortable. So we are back at the house and we are both all naked and she bends over for me to fuck her doggy style, but right before I’m about to part the pink seas of pleasure she grabs my cock and leads it into that forbidden of all forbidden places, the ass. “What the hell, I’m only going to live once” I remember saying to myself. If you who are reading this ever find yourself in a similar situation and these words of death come across your feeble drug and alcohol addled brain, if you value any part of your life at all turn around and go home. If you are home, roll over and go to bed. So about this time I’m inside of her and to be honest it was feeling really good, but about 3 minutes into it something started to happen. Something started feeling a little different. Something like some strange presence that wanted to join in the fun and say “Hey guys, don’t forget about me!”. So I did what would come naturally to any person in my situation, I started to pull out. I would find out in about 2 seconds that was the wrong move.
Have you ever been watering your garden and put your thumb over the end of the hose and the water kind of sprays in a fanning motion? Well the same thing happened to me except it was with shit coming out of her ass. I guess the combination of illegally consumed ecstasy and certain areas of her getting internally stimulated cause her to lose absolute control of her bodily functions. The first thing that came to my mind was to try and block this brown arc of death with my hands and arms, god knows I didn’t want that shit getting in my mouth. I jump up, run into my bathroom and turn on the shower, all while dry heaving and trying not to puke. Holy fuck that would have suck to puke on top of the already fucked situation, I honestly don’t think I would be alive had I thrown up.
The combination of vomit mixed with the violent scene that had already unfolded would have sent me over the edge and I would have probably ended it all right then and there. So here I have some chick who just shit all over me, my bed, my wall, and herself, and all she is doing is crying and apologizing. WHAT THE FUCK?! “Quit your damn crying and get into the damn shower” I told her. I couldn’t even look at her in the eyes. The water in the shower was not hot enough, nor was the soap strong enough to wash away the shame that she had just experienced. After we got cleaned up I made her take my sheets and mattress to the dumpster, and had her clean my wall. I never called her again. But alas she ended up getting the last laugh on me. About a month and a half later I came home from work and went into my room. I walked over to turn on my lamp, it was the kind that had the little chain that hangs down and you pull it to turn the lamp on. I noticed something hanging from the chain that looked a little off. It was a small dried turd that had somehow shot out of her ass during the initial pull out, maneuvered its way past me, around my bass guitar and amp, and in between the wall and a small art sculpture to precisely land on the lamp chain. Maverick in Top Gun couldn’t hold a candle to the flight path the fucking turd had man. I threw the fucking lamp away. So take it from me, anal sex is bad news.

Shit Balls and Candy Canes

The biggest pain in the ass that happens when you are getting ready for a comic convention is the endless amounts of tedious inventory and packaging bullshit just to get all your books straight in order to hopefully make a sale. But this is why we do it. It's the love of the art and writing we do that brings smiles and excitement to the many comic fans out there that makes it all worth it.

So this weekend the comic con of choice is Emerald City Comicon in Seattle, Wa. Last year my liver was so destroyed by Saturday that I felt like I had jaundice the rest of the weekend. This year seems like it will be a repeat, but on a grander scale due to the con being extended an extra a day.

If none of you hear from me after this weekend you know that I have ended up in a Seattle jail accompanied by two Filipino midgets and a unicorn with a hard on. Send help.

Sick Zombie vs Healthy Zombie

I know, I know, I know. The title is kind of an oxymoron. But really who fucking cares, it is zombies we are talking about after all. So after spending the last 5 or 6 days laid up in the house feeling like every sinus in my body was being repeatedly plugged full of cement, and topping it off with the feeling of being under a blow torch while Freddy Kreuger scratched my throat, I pondered at this question of the week. Would a person who died with a sever cold or flu (yes I know if you get bit by a zombie you get sick, die, then stand back up. I'm talking a sickness on top of the sickness) be less effective as a zombie than someone who was bitten while healthy?

My first instinct would be to automatically nominate the healthy zombie as the most effective. BUT!! The sick zombie would quite possibly have more infectious fluids to use on it's victims. Thus in turn making the sickly zombie the more effective one.

Yes these are the things that keep me awake at night. Sad, I know.

What's the time? It's time to get ill.

Was thinking back to the 90's today and remembering how gawd awful some of the outfits and hair styles people wore back then. I mean seriously, think about it, there were people who literally dressed like fucking clowns and passed it off as being "fashionable". One of the prime examples of this monstrosity was the show In Living Color. Now I loved that show, but today an old episode came on television and the Wayen's brother that was the host came out wearing something that looked like a pair of bad curtains sewn together then tossed into a recurring nightmare involving rape victims and the Special Olympics. Thank goodness the 90's are over.

*Disclaimer* I in no way condone rape or the Special Olympics.

So I got in some new pages today for the ZFW: Zombies of Foreign Wars series. Figured it might be a pretty cool idea to give those of you who follow this blog a little sneak preview. I'll probably throw up a page a week to keep you all interested. So far the writing is coming along and I should be finished with the last 15 or so pages of the trade issue in a week or so. Hopskotch is working on the cover for the trade issue as I type this. I am going to say one thing, the cover will be fucking amazing. Maybe I'll throw it up on here when finished to give the fans a little treat. So anyway, enjoy the art.

Character kill off, and C.O.C.K.

For some reason I have been having a real bitch of a time killing of one of the characters in the ZFW series. I don't know where the emotional attachment may stemming from, but there has to be some kind of deep seeded connection to the way this character is written. Any other writers out there experience this?

Now onto the C.O.C.K.S. For those who have been living under a technology rock the last few weeks probably missed Steve Niles tweeting and blogging about how we need to come together in the creator owned comic community to help support each other. I could not agree more. As someone who is an indie comic creator as well as the publishing director for a small press comic company who's very core foundation is about supporting creators and their projects, I personally applaud Niles. Hell, if he was in town I would by him a shot and a hooker for finally getting it out there on a larger scale that ALL of us who are in the indie scene need to help each other out by cross promotion, blogging, and generally spreading the information out there for others to see. If you don't like a specific indie comic, that should not stop you from recommending it to others. People have a wide range of tastes and preferences, just because you might not like one book does not mean the other person will feel the same. That is after all what C.O.C.K.S. (Creator Owned Comics Knowledge Spreaders) is all about.

Ok, time to go talk to Bill Bixby about buying a horse.

The Good Ol Days

So I'm sitting here trying to recoup from the massive amount of beer I ingested at the Seahawks game yesterday. Just when I thought this evening was going to be another pseudo-jerk off fest consisting of frequent naps and chugging water, a great classic movie comes on the boob tube. Coffy was made in 1973 and stars the lovely Pam Grier. What happened to all those great 70's "exploitation" films? I remember being a young little white boy and staring at amazement as big Jim Brown whooped the snot out of drug dealers, pimps, thieves, and other no good hoodlums. Yeah they were a bit violent, but they took care of business and always protected their neighborhood so the average citizens could feel safe. They should start making more shows and movies that had the basic values that these classics had. I guess these days people would rather vote on who is America's best dance crew that sings while swapping their wives with the next top model.

This morning put the Fuck in WTF?

So we met with a printer this morning that we have been working with the past few weeks. They were going to be the main printer for the upcoming publishing venture. Well apparently they all of a sudden got offended at the content of the horror comic we are producing. They didn't get offended two weeks ago when i first gave them the samples, instead they wait until we have to meet with them at the ass crack of dawn, spend ten minutes in Comic Evolution meeting with us, just for them to say they are not interested because they pray every morning and it's basically against their religion. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? After all this bullshit you just now decided this because you have to go pray? WTF people? Sorry but that is not good business. You should not mix personal beliefs with business period.

What do you people think? Should your personal beliefs affect business?