Watching political figures and elected officials give a speech claiming they are different than the scum sucker who preceded them is like taking a shit after a hard night of drinking tequila and blacking out in the bathroom of seedy bar that lies just off the beaten path. Only to wake up with a group of hairy Neanderthal looking guys who look like they are in the world’s first all Freddy Mercury tribute band. The pain that throbs inside the opening of your asshole would be comparable to all of these guys punching you right in the fucking ass with those little fingerless gloves those types wear that have the small metal studs on them. Yes people, this is our government at work today. Every day we wake up from being ass punched by the government, only to get out of bed and go do it all over again like some sick masochist who can’t wait to get his nuts stomped on by Mistress Stink Bang.

But enough of my political ramblings, let’s get onto the good shit.

Have you ever fucked a girl in the ass? If you have not I can assure you it is some of the most dangerous territory ever discovered and explored by man. Louis and Clark were not even brave enough to traverse this musty jungle of naughtiness. I was 26 when I first fucked a girl in the ass, and let me assure you it was definitely the last. I was in the U.S. Navy at the time and both this girl and I were high as fuck on ecstasy. She started getting a little frisky so naturally, being the gentleman that I am, I suggested that we go back to my place where we can be more comfortable. So we are back at the house and we are both all naked and she bends over for me to fuck her doggy style, but right before I’m about to part the pink seas of pleasure she grabs my cock and leads it into that forbidden of all forbidden places, the ass. “What the hell, I’m only going to live once” I remember saying to myself. If you who are reading this ever find yourself in a similar situation and these words of death come across your feeble drug and alcohol addled brain, if you value any part of your life at all turn around and go home. If you are home, roll over and go to bed. So about this time I’m inside of her and to be honest it was feeling really good, but about 3 minutes into it something started to happen. Something started feeling a little different. Something like some strange presence that wanted to join in the fun and say “Hey guys, don’t forget about me!”. So I did what would come naturally to any person in my situation, I started to pull out. I would find out in about 2 seconds that was the wrong move.
Have you ever been watering your garden and put your thumb over the end of the hose and the water kind of sprays in a fanning motion? Well the same thing happened to me except it was with shit coming out of her ass. I guess the combination of illegally consumed ecstasy and certain areas of her getting internally stimulated cause her to lose absolute control of her bodily functions. The first thing that came to my mind was to try and block this brown arc of death with my hands and arms, god knows I didn’t want that shit getting in my mouth. I jump up, run into my bathroom and turn on the shower, all while dry heaving and trying not to puke. Holy fuck that would have suck to puke on top of the already fucked situation, I honestly don’t think I would be alive had I thrown up.
The combination of vomit mixed with the violent scene that had already unfolded would have sent me over the edge and I would have probably ended it all right then and there. So here I have some chick who just shit all over me, my bed, my wall, and herself, and all she is doing is crying and apologizing. WHAT THE FUCK?! “Quit your damn crying and get into the damn shower” I told her. I couldn’t even look at her in the eyes. The water in the shower was not hot enough, nor was the soap strong enough to wash away the shame that she had just experienced. After we got cleaned up I made her take my sheets and mattress to the dumpster, and had her clean my wall. I never called her again. But alas she ended up getting the last laugh on me. About a month and a half later I came home from work and went into my room. I walked over to turn on my lamp, it was the kind that had the little chain that hangs down and you pull it to turn the lamp on. I noticed something hanging from the chain that looked a little off. It was a small dried turd that had somehow shot out of her ass during the initial pull out, maneuvered its way past me, around my bass guitar and amp, and in between the wall and a small art sculpture to precisely land on the lamp chain. Maverick in Top Gun couldn’t hold a candle to the flight path the fucking turd had man. I threw the fucking lamp away. So take it from me, anal sex is bad news.